remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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