i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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