Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
