My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My vagina just recognized that song.
We are two peas in an std pod
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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