can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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