problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
