I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
