I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
