I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
