o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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