apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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