I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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