I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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