True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
