I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
