If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
