I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
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we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
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I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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