Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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