To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
they're like a gay fantastic four
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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