Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
