That's when you crack a 10am beer
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
