Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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