i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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