peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
