If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
