if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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