I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
