he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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