she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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