Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
