Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
