I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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