And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
