just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
