I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away