Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dating After Heartbreak
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.