I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
As shirtless as possible
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
