There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
what day is it and did you see me today?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.