Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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