Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
