My brain says no but my pants say off.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
