my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
