I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
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you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
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day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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