Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
