No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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