I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
