There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
