you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
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I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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