just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
