I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
