I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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