apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
did i walk over a car last night?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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