two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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