When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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