everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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