when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
