i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
