Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
