ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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